Pooping in Public and Life's Other Small Challenges

I know all the places on campus where there is just one stall, because sometimes, despite common theory of women, I poop. For the life of me I don't know why pooping is so embarrassing and hard to do for so many of us. I can't count the number of times I've gone into a bathroom where it seems to be empty and then all of a sudden a huge fart comes out from one of the stalls.  I can't speak for the male species but when this happens I can guarantee you that that woman is going to sit in the stall in silence until everyone else has left the bathroom!  Coming out of the stall and running into a person you will never see again is bad enough, because you know, and they know, that those tamales did not sit well at lunch. Imagine the horror though if the person outside the stall is someone you know!!! You might have to pass them everyday at work and you know they'll just be laughing in their head every time they see you! "hahahahah you had diarrhea!" Rude! Like they have never had it before.

This brings me to another of life's small challenges. Being polite. I am a polite person, to your face, but when you are gone and ESPECIALLY in my head ooooooooooh boy you know all I am thinking is "you are a freaking idiot."  I am not talking about the run in at your local grocery store where the little old lady in front of you is writing a check because she is too scared to use her debit card in front of you for fear you will see her enter her PIN like you could use it without the card. (crazy old bats!) No I am talking about when you are sitting at a Starbucks having a nice chat with a friend and someone decides to interject their opinion about your recent STD problem. I am polite enough to just smile an say thank you when really I'm thinking, "Um no ma'am I don't have an STD problem, I said "bestie problem" like best friend. I'm glad to know that you are living happily with herpes though." Now that's a real life challenge, not, say something like a having to be polite or having a good credit score.

We've all seen the bumper sticker, "you don't grow up you only get old" or something like that. Let's be real folks, we all grow up, or so I thought. I graduated high school and thought things like a credit score actually matter all of a sudden and keeping a job was vital. Ugh! Imagine my surprise then when every other car dealership, furniture store and housing complex tell me "good credit, bad credit, or no credit it doesn't matter!" Even more shocking is when I move into a house of four grown men that not only don't care about credit scores or careers they have neither. And guess what? They are doing just fine! Who knew I could do that too?!

Challenge for this month. Don't sweat life's small challenges... this month I will proudly poop in public, be rude to a deserving person and not pay my bills! (okay I'm not that free spirited, I'll just start with the first two!)

Did she really just say that?

Have you ever met someone that says "let me check my calendar" and then checks it, and their blackberry and their other calendar and then their hand? Holy hell! I'm surrounded by these people. I do projects with these people, I work with these people.... I am not, however anything like these people so when they talk to me about "calendaring" they are most likely get one if not all of the following reactions

A girl in my class actually made the comment, "I love that we all understand how important calendaring is. We would be a mess without out it." To which I responded, "Would be?!  You calendar appointments to calendar?! YOU ARE A MESS! 

She didn't take that too well. In fact I think she may have calendared in a time to make a comeback. Luckily for me it's not until next Tuesday. Idiot. 

"Kimi Brat"

When I was in elementary school I used to tell people I had a different last name than I did. For some reason I chose Susie, as though Susie is realistic. Idiot! I wanted kids to stop calling me Kimi Brat, like that was the funniest thing in the world. Who did they think they were? I distinctly remember Tyler Jascoviak peeing his pants at the 1st grade talent show, and no one really though Baker Machodo would amount to anything with a name like Baker, but hey we all grow up and grow out of it right? WRONG!

I started substitute teaching when I started grad school. One of my first experiences was almost as humiliating as that day in 2nd grade when I decided I didn't need to listen to Mr. Chen or Chang or whatever his name was, in PE and instead of running around the gym I ran my little booty right out the back door only to realize I was the only one.  This of course led to me being locked out, terrified and crying for a solid 5 minutes. Though at the time I was sure I would be left there to starve and my parents would eventually be forced to file a missing person's report I was eventually discovered and at that point forced to do my first walk of shame in front of the whole class, tears and snot dripping down my face. (so embarrassing)

On one of my first days subbing a kindergarten class I introduced myself as Miss Pratt, at which time an obnoxious, genetically perfect little boy, who I am sure will go on to make a school career of making fun of others, pointed out to the whole class that my name sounded just like Miss Brat and continued to laugh so hard that he peed his pants. After which I was reprimanded by the principal that young children "have small bladders and you need to pay better attention to this sort of thing."  Little bastard! I'll show him Miss Brat! Twenty-six years later I'm still Kimi Brat.... crap!

Welcome to Twenty-Six

Kimberly Kealani Pratt. AKA... Stinks. Cocoa Pops. Gibbs. but mostly just Kimi.  I recently went from having a full time job, full time benefits, a full time man toy, and a fully loaded two bedroom apartment of my own to living in a small room, in an semi-clean house with three boys. I mean men. I mean man children. Don't feel too bad for me though this was all voluntary. 

Here's the deal, my life was good but on the verge of the boring side which is why I needed another change up.  Consider the few modifications I made and decide how sorry you feel for me afterwards.  First I went from living in Victorville (aka that nowhere place between LA and Vegas) to living in Huntington Beach. I can't forget to add that I also now work a job where I get paid like a teacher, but have the responsibility of a babysitter opposed to working 10 hour days and only getting paid for 6 of them.  Oh also, did I mention I was paying 900.00/month to live in the desert and now I only pay 450.00 to live two blocks from a lake and a half a mile from the beach/pier/Main St.  And my favorite.... I also went from being surrounded by dust, dirt and drama to being surrounded by barefoot, bare shirt babes that ride beach cruisers and walk their dogs on the beach. You don't feel so bad for me now right??!

The fact that my twenty-sixth year started this way is very encouraging... just you wait. The best is yet to come.

Look forward to: grad school and the crazies.  Kindergartners vs. boyfriends.  High School Seniors and Senior Citizens. Subbing water polo and cheer leading (the worst two days of my life!).... and so much more!